A year ago I was in the middle of fighting a huge battle. Not a battle seen by those around me but, inside. More scary than anything I had imagined.
It would come out of nowhere. I'd be driving, eating, or just sitting and playing. My heart would pound, my body would shake and the fear of some great impending doom would descend.
I couldn't shake it, I could not function. Literally I could not move.
Then, headaches, dizziness, body aches, lack of ability to concentrate or make decisions, unable to sleep, throwing up, unable to eat, unable to sit still. I spent so much of my time walking, praying and begging God to remove this from my life.
I went into the ER convinced I was having a heart attack only to be diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder and depression. They prescribed Xanax. After I started taking that I had what I describe as 2 hell weeks. My life was a bottomless blur of emotions. I could barely function. My husband had to do everything at home and help prop me up, to get out the door for my many obligations. I do not know why I thought that using medication was a good idea but, I did.
At one point, while I was outside working through a more troubling episode. I raised my eyes up to the cloudy sky and begged God to take me home to heaven now. I told him I could not live one more day, or help one more person. It was all too much. I just wanted my life to be over. I looked at the road and thought how all I needed to do was to step out there and wait. It would be easy.
As I sobbed on that rock, I felt the love, mercy and tenderness of God wash over me. It was more real than all of the awful feelings my body had been through. He told me (Not in an audible voice) that he was not finished with me and my family needed me. I was overwhelmed by the sense that my work on earth was not done and to follow him with my whole heart. I was brought to the feeling of the need to give my heart, body, mind and schedule to him.
After that day, I realized that in the last year I had committed to so many things and people. If something came a long, it did not matter how much I had going on I thought "Oh the Lord would want me to do it"
Never really taking the time to pray or truly consider how it would affect my health or family.
I quit some of my commitments. Refocused my energy on searching after the Lord and his word, exercising, nourishing my body with healthy foods and I worked my tail off on having a positive outlook on life.
I stopped taking the Xanax! I spent time developing good sleep habits. I spent time just enjoying my children and their laughter.
Most of all I started saying NO! I could not, in my humanity take on all the problems of the world. I had become the biggest Martha of them all. I learned to let other people step in and help me. Boy, it felt wonderful!
My last attack happened in July of last year. Sometimes I get flair ups where it almost goes there. For the most part, they are gone.
I still spend time looking for ways to minister to others. I love being a doer for Christ but, now I have learned balance.
I am shedding the weight that has hindered me and focused my eyes on the prize.
Even now, tears of thankfulness pool in my eyes as I praise God for giving me freedom from my anxiety. Things are so different this January. My husband has a job this January, I have a running car this January, I am not overwhelmed, I am healthier, I am so much happier with my relationship with the almighty. It is good to be alive and serving him.
It is GOOD!
